There are several things I have realized about myself in the twenty five years I have known myself and yet everyday something new compels me to stop and rethink the person I am. Recently, ever since I came back from New Zealand and got back in touch with high school friends, most of whom are married either with kids or not, I've been thinking about marriage. And what it means. And whether it is in my future. And if I even want it in the future that will somehow map itself out for me. I was immersed in these feelings of half envy, half scorn and I was trying to make sense of my own single worth.
But then today a friend started talking to me about what's actually happening in this world. Things I have become an expert at turning a blind eye and deaf ear to. The miseries in Darfur, the outrage in Iran, the pain of the Palestinians and the fear in Tanzania. These atrocities are being committed every day in this world I live in, reported by people who are horrified at its happening but unable to stop it and I am immersed in the pettiest of internal debates.
This conversation led me to think a whole lot. About myself as a person. As a person who lives in this world and as a person who is adept at living blind and deaf. I feel selfish that I cling to all my petty comforts and concerns when people out there are doing everything to simply survive another day. Why don't I watch the news more? Why don't I take an active interest in politics and debates and issues that we as a people are facing today? But I feel as if I have wrapped myself in a tight bubble because seeing them suffer, seeing them hurt and not being able to change a thing is more than I can bear. I feel guilty that I can live in a country where I can practice my religion, express myself freely, be who I am without being persecuted. An accident of birth? Why do I deserve to be as free? And since I am free, do I not owe it to the world to try to change it? But what can I change? How can I change it?
Peace is not something we are too familiar with. Materialistic things we understand and obey, but this mythical peace? I cannot claim to speak for other people or even know the true perspectives of other people but peace to me is unattainable as long as we exist. It's an unrealistic goal set by people who should know better. But how long are we to be the whims of a certain group of people who keep us in the dark from the knowledge that pertains directly to our own well being. And how long are we going to accept the decay of our own humanity?
I really don't have any answers to any of my questions which seem to fold unto themselves and increase in number. But I keep feeling that I should be doing something but I know myself too well. I will do my best to forget every bad thing I hear, telling myself that it can't happen to me, happen here but knowing anyway that I am wrong, that it can and when it does, if I'm not helping anyone now, who will help me then.
2 comments:
Most Canadians live in a state of grace they are vaguely aware of. For the most part our society runs smoothly in a world where as you say so much can got wrong. It's like plumbing, if it works we don't concern ourselves with it. Now that leaves a burden for those who are awakening. What do we do with this, as the Buddha said "precious human rebirth". Free of hunger and affliction? To become a social activist is as much a personal search for a community as an altruistic impulse. To become a political junkie is like watching the soaps. To stay submerged in your own drama and gossip with friends is absolutely crucial but not enough.
Some find the impulse for enlightenment. This can consume many years and lead to a stable mind but no real profundity. Some opt for the libertine excess of boozing and lovers. Some find the nature spirits and go deep into this pristine wilderness.
Sometime when I am asked for driving directions I muse to the stranger "just follow the front of your car".
I do have a profound bit of wisdom to share. This has to be enjoyed at a non-verbal level; at the heart.
"There is nothing to be obtained, this is the other world".
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